BIG REAL-ization

God has been there for me.. I know.

When I was young, I learned about Jesus.. Who He is in our life.. What He has done.. How much He loves us and mostly.. How I should act, speak, think and behave as his follower. Well I was young and having that in my mind was kind of a parent giving rules to his child.

Time flies and I felt like a robot.
I know in my mind that it's wrong to question things so I did not. But I have this little poison in my head that says.. "It is okay to break some rules especially if it is needed."

I was in doubt.
But I tried to push myself back in guarding myself.
I was so hard on myself, so strict about everything, more like a perfectionist and being Autocratic with my life. Dictating that I should do this even if sometimes I just want to rest for awhile.. play games.. Have fun. But No.

Back in college, during my Freshmen years.. I am just a student who only goes in school and home.
Then I met some people..
Gradually I learn how to get fun.. To losen up.. Until I have losen up everything.

I have tried drinking alcohol
Be with people who smokes
Good thing I did not try smoking and I was able to drink alcohol just for one night only.

As I experience those things I challenged myself that "Hey, if you are really tough about being on thr right track.. expose yourself more with the wrong people.

I did that sub-consciously.
I know it's wrong. But the idea of achieving those non-sense challenge was something that made me proud.

Unti I met a guy.
Pessimistic type.
I was emotionally attached.
And I was pushing myself to love this guy. Trying to believe on what's impossible.
Well it worked.

My life plans were changed because of this guy.
Even my every decisions changed.
I was willing to give up almost everything.
But then I've changed my mind when worshipping God was the matter already.

We have way different beliefs about Christ. And it alarms me. So I let him go.

I was trying to be strong with my decision but everytime we meet again.. We are together again. And it was so hard for me to handle.

There is this two opposing forces inside of me.
That's why I always let him go.

After letting him go for the 3rd? 4th? time, I met another guy. But this time, we are both on the same line of beliefs.
I felt the freedom to love him with no shields. I was so transparent like I can be Me.
It was always good and happy.
Though the start was really unlikable and so not right, we tried making things right.
It was fine and comfortable.
But then someone told me that I'm crossing more than 2 lines of connection. I was so pissed and it's my first time to slap a guy. I never knew that that would happen. I felt anger. Disappointed, shame, less of a woman, and most especially.. I was AWAKENED.

I cried in a shallow way and after that I was so fine. I was having this big question mark in my head after that.. Because I know I'm supposed to be hurting so much. Depressed. Deeply crying. But I was not.
And I wonder why.
So many things were in my head.
I know in my heart that I have never trusted that much to a guy. But why am I not hurting so much. Why do I feel just fine about it.

Well I guess it is because in my head.. I know I am more than who he is. I am too good, too special, too loving and too beautiful for him.
That's what I thought.
He had me at my very best.
And even if we both know that that ONE LIE cannot make me love him less.. As for my pride & dignity I chosed to leave him.

Funny though after some several days.. the Guy, from my college days, was my classmate in a review center.
We met again.

I know in my mind of what I am capable to do that time. And though I know that it is wrong, I challenged myself again. I played the game again.

So he first approached me.
And my feeling for him has been activated. And so I did another experiment.
If the last guy fell in love with me being at my best.. what is it with him?
I tried to be at my very best for him.
And he just failed.

He did not fell.
I did not felt anything from him.
It's like the more you love him the less he loves you.
He is still a pessimist I guess.
Tough love.

I tried running that for 9 mos. And so far that's the longest attachment we had together.

And so my thoughts strikes again and I left him again.
I guess.. Maybe.. He thought that I want a committment and he is just not okay with that.
But the truth is.. it's all an experiment for me where I don't get to lose what I want.
And that is my relationship with God.

So right now I just want to start over.
But this time, no more experiments.
:)

Thank God for everything.