Dark woods

I know I've been in this place before.. I've seen this scenario.. This old black trees.. Those calling voices.. The crickets' very slow sound.. Foggy dark forest.. I don't know where I got the keys on the first place but I'm scared.. I don't want to step my feet inside and start searching for something I cannot find.. Creepy mystical plants.. Luminous flowers.. The sound of an owl.. A violin sound of the wind.. Keeps calling me.. Taking my breath.. Taking what's on my mind.. It's like trying to take my soul.. Away from where I am.. Away from what seems to be obscure & undeniably hard situation of your life.. I'm freaking out inside.. I know what to do.. But the garden is amusing.. Like I wanna stare and just be there.. It's slowly killing my pain.. Suddenly I'm feeling light.. Like I can float in the air.. I want to taste what's in there.. I want to get away with my burdens, bit by bit I can see myself moving towards the woods.. I need a help.. I started screaming, but no ome hears me, I started cutting my self.. To feel the pain, the smell of blood, the essence of it, it's moment.. The relief I get.. The reality of what I can get.. It's here.. I know.. I am helpless, worthless, hopeless.. But a little voice inside my chest.. Keeps up a beat.. I started listening.. It's getting louder.. Like a zoom of a train.. I felt a hit..

I woke up.. It's 7 in the morning.. I slept in the woods, a real green woods.. I tried wandering.. But I can't put myself away from where I found myself.. I'm still scared. I dunno what to do.. I feel a little coldness inside of me.. I feel the thirst, the hunger, I feel weak.. Then I heard a flowing river, birds chirping.. I felt a little joy to see the flowing river.. I feel safe.. I feel okay.. I wanted to run.. Run as fast as I can.. Run until I see what I want.. Running and running.. Then stopped.

I saw my family, my friends, they are calling for me, everyone's happy to see me, there's a celebration..
I'm thinking.. What is this.. What is happening.. Someone took my hand.. Drag me gently towards my Dad, I didnt see his face but I heard his voice "Your dad was calling you, he wants to talk to you. Let's go!"
I faced my Dad, he smiled at me.. Hugged me so tight and whispered in my ear: "My eldest daughter, I'm so proud of you, I know you can do it! I believe you can! And now you're here with us. We missed you!"
As I turned around.. I was trying to wake myself.. I'm confused.. I do not understand.. As I absorbed everything.. I just fainted.

"It was all a dream! Whew! That's strange.." I look around.. Everything's normal.. I prayed..

"Lord, I am at my low point of my life right now & I know I can't do this by myself. I need you more than anything. You changed my life, turning my bads into goods, and my goods to better ones.. You said that nothing is impossible with you, nothing you Lord cannot handle.. I believe in You Lord. And please help me to believe in Your powers. Amen."

I hate my heart

It's all going to be a waste of time being emo and all desperate and very heart consuming of what's going on right now in me... I'm not happy.. I'm not okay.. I'm not getting any better.. I feel kinda hopeless.. It's freaking hard to take yourself out of the water once you jump into it.. I'm not an addict, it's just how I'm feeling right now.. I mean.. I used to be very good at everything in my life.. I'm always in control.. I have things in their right places but then now it seems hard to be in control.. I know it's not always going to be all ME.. And I should not trust myself.. Cause I know how worst of a kind I can be.. And.. Trusting God is all I need.. And it's not that easy as eating a cake... Man! How did I do that when I was young!? I mean.. Trusting God was so easy back when I was a little girl.. Is it because things are getting bigger as you grow? NO! big or small, my God can handle that.. But I don't know what's happening to me now.. Maybe it's all because of me.. My relationship with the Lord when I was young was so precious and something I take seriously.. But as I grew.. I got busy with a lot of stuffs.. I forget my God sometimes... Awww... I feel bad.. Gosh! This is why.. It's all me.. It's because I worry too much. This aint good. :|

BIG REAL-ization

God has been there for me.. I know.

When I was young, I learned about Jesus.. Who He is in our life.. What He has done.. How much He loves us and mostly.. How I should act, speak, think and behave as his follower. Well I was young and having that in my mind was kind of a parent giving rules to his child.

Time flies and I felt like a robot.
I know in my mind that it's wrong to question things so I did not. But I have this little poison in my head that says.. "It is okay to break some rules especially if it is needed."

I was in doubt.
But I tried to push myself back in guarding myself.
I was so hard on myself, so strict about everything, more like a perfectionist and being Autocratic with my life. Dictating that I should do this even if sometimes I just want to rest for awhile.. play games.. Have fun. But No.

Back in college, during my Freshmen years.. I am just a student who only goes in school and home.
Then I met some people..
Gradually I learn how to get fun.. To losen up.. Until I have losen up everything.

I have tried drinking alcohol
Be with people who smokes
Good thing I did not try smoking and I was able to drink alcohol just for one night only.

As I experience those things I challenged myself that "Hey, if you are really tough about being on thr right track.. expose yourself more with the wrong people.

I did that sub-consciously.
I know it's wrong. But the idea of achieving those non-sense challenge was something that made me proud.

Unti I met a guy.
Pessimistic type.
I was emotionally attached.
And I was pushing myself to love this guy. Trying to believe on what's impossible.
Well it worked.

My life plans were changed because of this guy.
Even my every decisions changed.
I was willing to give up almost everything.
But then I've changed my mind when worshipping God was the matter already.

We have way different beliefs about Christ. And it alarms me. So I let him go.

I was trying to be strong with my decision but everytime we meet again.. We are together again. And it was so hard for me to handle.

There is this two opposing forces inside of me.
That's why I always let him go.

After letting him go for the 3rd? 4th? time, I met another guy. But this time, we are both on the same line of beliefs.
I felt the freedom to love him with no shields. I was so transparent like I can be Me.
It was always good and happy.
Though the start was really unlikable and so not right, we tried making things right.
It was fine and comfortable.
But then someone told me that I'm crossing more than 2 lines of connection. I was so pissed and it's my first time to slap a guy. I never knew that that would happen. I felt anger. Disappointed, shame, less of a woman, and most especially.. I was AWAKENED.

I cried in a shallow way and after that I was so fine. I was having this big question mark in my head after that.. Because I know I'm supposed to be hurting so much. Depressed. Deeply crying. But I was not.
And I wonder why.
So many things were in my head.
I know in my heart that I have never trusted that much to a guy. But why am I not hurting so much. Why do I feel just fine about it.

Well I guess it is because in my head.. I know I am more than who he is. I am too good, too special, too loving and too beautiful for him.
That's what I thought.
He had me at my very best.
And even if we both know that that ONE LIE cannot make me love him less.. As for my pride & dignity I chosed to leave him.

Funny though after some several days.. the Guy, from my college days, was my classmate in a review center.
We met again.

I know in my mind of what I am capable to do that time. And though I know that it is wrong, I challenged myself again. I played the game again.

So he first approached me.
And my feeling for him has been activated. And so I did another experiment.
If the last guy fell in love with me being at my best.. what is it with him?
I tried to be at my very best for him.
And he just failed.

He did not fell.
I did not felt anything from him.
It's like the more you love him the less he loves you.
He is still a pessimist I guess.
Tough love.

I tried running that for 9 mos. And so far that's the longest attachment we had together.

And so my thoughts strikes again and I left him again.
I guess.. Maybe.. He thought that I want a committment and he is just not okay with that.
But the truth is.. it's all an experiment for me where I don't get to lose what I want.
And that is my relationship with God.

So right now I just want to start over.
But this time, no more experiments.
:)

Thank God for everything.

I love..

LOVE SONG FOR you..

I KNOW that I was wrong even from the start

I should have done this before we're half-way to start

I do not blame anyone

 

I SEE that you need time and space before the magic happen

and I TOLD YOU that that is what I wanted to happen

I do not know now

 

I LISTEN to you, especially when I know it's against me 

I was not so sure of what to follow inside of me

I do not want to lie

 

I UNDERSTAND what you really want to happen first

and that you just wanna make things right

I do not hide

 

AMBIVALENT all along ever since from the beginning

been struggling with what you are giving

I do not want this

 

TRAGIC between my physical and spiritual life

more than what I have faced in my life

I do not fear

 

FORGIVEN all short-comings and doubts about you and me

  a love that's true maybe not for you but for me

I do not doubt

 

FIRST LOVE it is only you

 always and forever

I do love you.

<3*