now what??
you see.. here's the thing!
long before everything that is happening right now..
the time where I still have my innocence..
the time where I am freely happy
joyful, cheerful, kind-hearted
and sweet as an angel..
well yeah I know it's hard to believe but that was me..
and of course you came..
I never wanted anything so badly..
I feel like I am very much comfortable
with the things around me
the people around me
the things I have
the love I receive
the experiences..
everything is just fine..
BUT YOU
yes you..
you Mister A.I.C.
yeah I liked you so much
I feel so obsessed with you
but of course, it wasn't something that just pop
the way you treat me in the first place
is what a real man should be
so gentle, sweet, kind, and polite
never in my head that pass on if you are for real
cause I HAVE SEEN DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART
HOW MUCH LOVE YOU NEEDED BADLY
you know I can totally give it to you
but can't you see that I just did??
and so,, you wanted but something like
a very LOW life kind of love
because for you
that is what LOVE is
yeah it's kinda contradicting
to what you did for me
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
I MEAN, you're like a noble gentleman
but all you were asking is just that?!
don't you want my heart?
my mind?
my life?
my everything?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS THIS REALLY
are you just really a young-dirty-minded person?
or you just don't seem to know what LOVE is?
..but whatever it is..
3 years ago I already tie the knot of my heart to yours
yeah it's stupid I know..
but if you will only know how he made me do that
without even telling me
I think you would do the same thing..
..technically, one reason would be that
I am an N.B.S.B.
and I have never felt something so strong and powerful like that
so it's LOVE?
huh?
it is.. I guess
and here I go..
blogging..
after 3 years ago where I find myself soo happy
like it's ok to die
cause it feels like I have lived my life so great
too much..
exaggerating.. yes
again..
it was November of the year 2007
oh yeah..
January 1 was so memorable..
February 13 too..
"kung magiging assassin ako.. ikaw una kong papatayin"
trans. "If I am going to be an assassin, it is you that I will kill first"
the sweetest words I have ever heard
it is like I am his life
ohh yea..
and it lasted May 10, 2008
that day, I decided to let myself go away from him..
the first time he hold my hand..
and so I thought of it as a goodbye scenario
for I know, he is never for me
like the song "can I just hold your hand before you go?"
we are soo not meant to be..
I wish I knew this before I signed that stupid contract in my heart
it was like he's a Devil and I am the Angel
don't take it subjectively..
so we cannot be together..
dig it?
do you think..
it is possible..??
I feel like he works for the World
and that I works for the Heaven
yeah.. like that
I thought I can do that
that I am so strong
but June of 2008
he got himself a GIRLFRIEND
...
I don't know what I am feeling but everytime
EVERYTIME
that I see him at school, with or without his girlfriend
I AM SHAKING
TOTALLY SHAKING
every limbs.. every muscle.. every part of me
and I feel soo cold..clammy..
and my heart beats soo FAST..
I really don'y understand what's happening to me..
but I know it is not comfortable
I am not comfortable
I feel so weak..
and all I do is cry inside and out..
THE HELL!!!!
I am soo DEAD..
SOO HURT..
SOO ABUSED..
SUPER IN PAIN
I..
I just wanna woke up next morning
and realize that everything was just a bad dream..
November 2008
we were set up to talk with each other
yeah I don't have any idea
what happened was...
he was asking me why I left him
and I cannot say a word
because I don't know..
what do you think?
and I was like: I am happy for you
goodluck to you and your girlfriend
SO GREAT!!
he was so regretful of US.. hahaha.. yeah us before
is it me?
is it my fault if I can't have a boyfriend first even though I love the person already?!?!
is it my fault?!?!
yeah MY BAD for falling into someone who doesn't even passed my standards!
yeah MY BAD for choosing him to be my love forever though I am just 17 and a student
yeah MY BAD for letting my whole world be HIM
it is all MY FAULT.
I KNOW!!
but here it is already.. what's done is done..
I don't regret things in my life..
really..
and I don't regret choosing him
but you see.. I can't live this way
this isn't gonna work for me
I should have used my brain more than my heart
yes I have learned soo many lessons from it..
and that I should totally moved on..
I know in myself that I can do that..
yes there are so many guys here in the world..
and why waste time to ONE?
but listen..
HE WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PART IN ME.
right now, I know this is so freaking hard to do..
and I have been crying like a thousand times..
though they broke up..
and it was like we were back together
things have changed
I have accepted the fact that He can never be mine
and that I am not what he needs
because I cannot give what he wanted
and I cannot help him
it pains so much..
always leaving the same person..
SORRY, cause I cannot help myself with this..
and as time goes..
I am glad that I have met a person like you.
I may forget you 10 years from now, but you will always be a part of me.
and nothing can change that.
NO ONE.
and if one day I'll see you again..
I hope you are all right and happy..
enjoying your life and finally found that missing part in your life.
adieu my love.
graci for the time you have given.
'til we meet again.
:)
~~~ (kzeL) K.A.J.S./O.C. ~~~
I look like a trash.
see.. we're not "bagay"
yeah.. he's too beautiful.
I look like a trash.
see.. we're not "bagay"
yeah.. he's too beautiful.
